Santa visits St. John

By Will Ferrol, Holiday Editor

Absolute proof that you can find anything with Google image search!!!

Today a skinny-dipping Santa was seen sunning himself on Solomon Beach. This was a final break before the long, economy-tourist-level flight tonight.

An excited and energized Wonk family was heroically trying to push him back into the water, without having much success. “We just wanted the poor creature back in the water. We remember watching the news on TV of them blowing one up on the beach in Oregon!”* said Mrs. Wonk. Mr. and Mrs. Wonk and their four kids were on the land side pushing with all their might trying to roll the dough-white, inert blubber-body towards the sea.

The jolly old man chortled at the humor of the situation with the Wonks. This episode was therapeutic. He needed a break after the year of dealing with Apple toy designers, Chinese sweatshops and the EEW union, (European Elf Workers.)  But Park Ranger Frank Pestiferous would have none of it. “We ain’t toleratin’ none of that-there peculiar behavior here. No Sir, Mr. Claus!  This ain’t one of them Frenchy islands…  And don’t pick up any of them seashells neither. And I hope there ain’t none in any of yo' creases and crevasses.”  Pestiferous is what some might call a “Piece a Work.”

Capt. Skinny Badlands, noted cetaceanologist and certified expert on any matter you can name, stood on the beach and loudly opinionated on why whales beach themselves, “Pollution, shipping noise, military sonar, yabba-yabba-yabba… but mainly they think they are at a beach bar.”

The Wonk family, Mal, his wife Lifelis and children, Niles, Susan, Freddy and Tarantoöla spend the Christmas-to-New-Year’s holidays on the island. Mr. Wonk’s father, Mal Brooks, use to bring him along when Brooks, Alan Allduh and friends came for those holidays. And the tradition continues.

So Santa with sand between his toes, a smile on his face and a National Park citation in his pocket may visit you tonight.  Look for sand on the floor as proof.

* Watch: “The Infamous Exploding Whale” on YouTube. This reporter cried actual tears watching this – he can’t invent anything as wonderful as this actual TV footage. November 12^th 1970… Here’s a quote, “The blast blasted blubber beyond all believable bounds.” Please, please watch this. OMG, it’s good.

Coral Bay Yachting Club Builds Clubhouse

By Poin T. Enn, Yachting Editor

The Coral Bay Yachting Club has purchased Estate Zootentooten and will build a clubhouse patterned on the Royal Northern and Clyde Yacht Club in Glasgow.

 
Project chairman Dick Richard said the planned slips for about 250 yachts will be smaller than the San Diego Yacht Club, but will accommodate larger yachts. Eric Crapton’s "Blue Banjo” and Raúl Castro’s “Royal Scion” will easily find space. And rumors are the Queen will recommission the Royal Yacht “Britannia” to get a spot.
 
“One of the reasons we are moving into Muilenburg clubhouse is that people felt it was okay to drift into our club meetings at Skinny’s,” said Richard.
 
“We’ve ordered 40 chandeliers for the enormous, formal dining room to be custom made in Murano and Maho using recycled Red Stripe bottles. This was the direct influence of Island Greed Builders,” said Richard. “We want to be environmentally responsible since we got a lease to use the entire Hurricane Hole for our private docks.” The cavernous reception hall will be a favorite place for weddings and commemorative dinners for the upper 1% or even the upper .01%. “We want to keep it affordable,” said Richard. “But of course it would be reserved for members of CBYingC.”
 
Elsa Engel, heiress of the Winnebago fortune and owner of the ultra yacht “Rawfishy,” is providing most of the financing for construction and operating expenses since Donald Trump could not come through with his promised support. “What good are billions if you don’t use them to have a little fun?” Engel said.

While membership in the Coral Bay Yachting Club will remain extremely exclusive, the general public will be welcome once a week for the Sunday Buffet that will be served in the informal beach-front snack bar. This will be welcomed since Caneel stopped serving their Sunday Brunch. The monthly blowout with Beluga, Ossetra and Sevruga caviars and Crystal will remain for members only.

CBYingC Commodore Bateau Leakey said, “We plan to institute the Around, Around, Around and Around Leduck Race and the 24-Hours of Anegada Passage to add to our already full calendar of races and events.”

Virgin Island yachting will never be the same.

Heard in the Street:

Three members of Pussy Riot are hiding out in Coral Bay.  They are growing beards and wearing camouflage bikinis to throw off searchers.  So say nothing if you see anybody strange in Coral Bay.

Local, Morgan Geak, Creates iPhone App for St. John Ferries

By Lakin Dayta, Technology Editor

Ever wonder when the absolute last second was that you could leave your house to catch the St. John passenger or car ferry?  Or get there so early you feel like you are waiting for the next transit of Venus? Wonder what the odds were of coming out ahead buying a round-trip ticket?  Or the odds that guy in the car to your right will try to cut you off at the exit ramp? While most iPhone apps are about as useful as flip flops for cushion starfish, this one is genius.

Local digital master, Morgan Barley Geak, has just the thing for you. Right next to your latest Angry Birds - Islands, you can put his new iPhone app “Win-Time Ferry.”

In the setup, you must enter your age, weight, length of inseam and best high-school time on the 100-yard dash. Also you rate each captain by how well he knows you, etc., etc. for about 600 items. Setup should take less than two weeks. Be sure you get your driver’s license correct and enter your opinion on peach yogurt or you will have to start over.

Sophisticated algorithms calculate the most likely time each vessel leaves from early to way late so you can squeeze the last second. WTFerry knows the weather so it can figure in that last minute downpour too. GPS keeps up with you and Siri shouts encouragement or directions. The default GO! signal is a starter’s pistol, so don’t use it in the TSA line at the airport or in local banks.

Navigation is easy with four tabs: “Passenger Ferry,” “Car Ferry,” “Lunch Reservations at Virgilios” and “St. Thomas Shopping.”

The shopping tab is also paired with Siri. You’ll hear things like, “You can hammer nails with the bananas at Fruit Bowl today,” and “Home Depot still doesn’t have that saw you wanted no matter what they told you on the phone.”

There have been a few complaints like, “I can’t find the iPhone Home button.” But largely the beta was well received.  Evaluator, Rafe Boudin, says that it really needs an undo button.  “I could use an undo button for other things too… like my dad selling Trunk.” Morgan said he would work on it.

There is a mailbox key and a bottle opener.

Beta tester, Susan Chair, says, “The next time you arrive just as the ferry is pulling away, you will think WTF!”

Island Greed Builders Awarded Large Grant for Solar

By Lackin Dayta, Technology Editor

Reef Bay array

Virtually all south-facing slopes on the island will be covered with state-of-the-art photovoltaic panels.

Island Greed Builders (not to be confused with a somewhat similarly named organization) has obtained $16 billion through grants from Obama’s Money for Nothing Initiative, The Trust for Pubic Land, and WAPA’s Excess Money Fund.

The initial grant of $297 million was depleted within two months by developing feasibility studies, setting up a Facebook profile and a Twitter account.

The panels will come from Solyndra, the Fremont, California solar panel producer. They were obtained at a huge discount because of a 97%-failure rate. “This completely fits our business model,” said Niles Chair, local businessman. Mr. Chair and 6 friends have set up a subcontracting firm, Death Panels, Inc.

St. Thomas consultant, Tully Pleasure, of Island Possibilities, LLC, recommended the installation of automatic awnings of Sumbrella that will deploy in the middle of the day to protect the panels from the intense tropical sun.

Renowned architect and all-around expert, Bill Builtinthegarage, said, “The greatest innovation is the solar compactor. You may have seen the original prototype on the dock in Cruz Bay. They will compact the solar power to facilitate the transfer of power to St. Thomas. Actually, the compacted power packages could be shipped anywhere with U.S. Post Office Priority Mail. Another advantage of the solar compactor is that it can be used to dispose of other solar compactors that break down from heat exhaustion!”

“We would be off the St. Thomas grid, but would be able to sell power to them during the off season when neither we nor they really need it,” said Green Spear, respected island builder and day dream believer.

Chuck Fishmo of the St. John Hysterical Society said, “There is a precedent. Sugar cane once covered most of the island and the cane captured sunlight much like the solar panels will. So, IGB has our complete support.”

Heard in the Street:

The roofs of the proposed Bullet Train stations will be covered with panels. Both the Coral Bay and Cruz Bay stations will be modeled after New York’s Grand Central and therefore will have ample space for solar panel installation.

We're not going to let our column be dictated by fact-checkers.