Island Visitor Trapped in His Rental Car for 17 Days

Phast N. Phurious, Automotive Editor

Louis Zilch

Louis Zilch of Mianus, Connecticut (Really! – Google it) came very close to an unfortunate end at Salt Pond this past week. But fast action by the alert, failed-state-trooper but competent-park-ranger, Frank Pestiferous saved Mr. Zilch’s life. “I noticed that the car hadn’t moved for a couple of days, but them windows was tinted so dark, I couldn’t see Mr. Zilch,” said Pestiferous.

Zilch had rented the car from Kenobi Car Rental in Cruz Bay. “They told me I’d quickly learn the high-tech features of the car.” (A 2012 GM Daewoo Deluxe built in Uzbekistan.) “But they didn’t tell what to do in this case.”

On August 1^st after a morning toasting on Salt Pond beach, Mr. Zilch returned to his car, got in and closed the door. That’s when he found that the car battery was dead and also the battery in the keyless key!  He couldn’t start the car, open the locked doors or even roll down the windows since they were all keyed to the electronic key.

Luckily, he had 4 cases of Slim Fast Chocolate Shakes, six blocks of Kraft Pasteurized Prepared Cheddar Cheese Product and a Japanese folding hand fan that he had brought to the beach. He relaxed when he realized that it was only a matter of time before a ranger would come to give him a parking ticket. The car-rental agent had warned him that parking tickets were being slapped on everybody.

Seventeen days later, sharp-eyed Pestiferous did just that. Then using a clothes hanger he was able to open the door in minutes. “Heck, I keep a clothes hanger in my truck ‘cause people are always gettin’ themselves locked in them rental cars.”

When asked by this reporter for a comment, Kenobi Car Rental manager, Hugh O’Mewan, said, “We are not charging Mr. Zilch for the three extra days. It’s going to take a gallon of ‘New Car Smell – Extreme’ to fix that car. We’re not charging him for that either.”

Heard in the Street:

Mitt, Inc. vetted St. John politico, Randy Nutnic, for the Vice Presidential spot.  Nutnic can avoid significant issues as well as anybody, but he said that he was concentrating on getting St. John as the venue for the 2020 Summer Olympics.  “Insane Bolt declared that the Cruz Bay Roundabout would make an excellent track for the 15 meter,” said Nutnic.