Chinese Container Port Slated for Coral Harbor

By Penny Nail, Real Estate Editor

Ca Ching of Chu Associates, a subsidiary of the company, Chattanooga-Chu, headquartered in Pennsylvania Station, New York, announced the completion of all permitting and reviews involved in building a state-of-the-art deepwater container port in Coral Harbor. Mr. Ching said that by using well-placed private personal incentives the company was able to quickly complete all the paperwork needed. “Especially since we had ready cash, there was no waiting for the checks to clear. It met our needs also. So it was a win-win proposition.”

As with other developers, the company will have all EDC benefits and pay no Virgin Island taxes.

The port will meet a need for transshipping containers to various islands in the Caribbean. These are vitally needed for Chinese goods going to the thousands of gift shops located on every island. Ching said, “Most Caribbean gift shops and stores feature goods exclusively from my country.” Coral Harbor’s central location and lack of development were crucial in selecting the site.

Lu Chong, primary architect and engineer who has worked with Ca Ching on many projects, said that they were forming the Virgin Islands company, Ching, Chong, Cheech and Chair. “We looked at St. Thomas, but there were too many cruise ships. The old HOVENSA site was an environmental disaster. Coral Harbor was just right,” said Mr. Chong. “Of course there must be much dredging, but because there is such a strong infrastructure of roads and utilities, there will be little we will have to do ashore.”

“A major road will be constructed from Brown Bay which has long been the landing spot of choice for many of my countrymen.”

Since the paperwork has been completed and local contractors will be used, Mr. Ching said work should be finished within 18 to 20 years. “We hope the residents will not be too inconvenienced by the noise, dirt and road closures that will be necessitated by the first 10-12 years of blasting.”

Heard in the Street:

Joe Keester, or “Joey Blue-Eyes” as the New York Mob knows him, is also hiding out in Coral Bay with the members of Pussy Riot. Keester, who first tried to disguise himself with an unconvincing blonde afro and an innocent face, came to St. John in 2001 posing as Director of Fiends of the VINP.

Santa visits St. John

By Will Ferrol, Holiday Editor

Absolute proof that you can find anything with Google image search!!!

Today a skinny-dipping Santa was seen sunning himself on Solomon Beach. This was a final break before the long, economy-tourist-level flight tonight.

An excited and energized Wonk family was heroically trying to push him back into the water, without having much success. “We just wanted the poor creature back in the water. We remember watching the news on TV of them blowing one up on the beach in Oregon!”* said Mrs. Wonk. Mr. and Mrs. Wonk and their four kids were on the land side pushing with all their might trying to roll the dough-white, inert blubber-body towards the sea.

The jolly old man chortled at the humor of the situation with the Wonks. This episode was therapeutic. He needed a break after the year of dealing with Apple toy designers, Chinese sweatshops and the EEW union, (European Elf Workers.)  But Park Ranger Frank Pestiferous would have none of it. “We ain’t toleratin’ none of that-there peculiar behavior here. No Sir, Mr. Claus!  This ain’t one of them Frenchy islands…  And don’t pick up any of them seashells neither. And I hope there ain’t none in any of yo' creases and crevasses.”  Pestiferous is what some might call a “Piece a Work.”

Capt. Skinny Badlands, noted cetaceanologist and certified expert on any matter you can name, stood on the beach and loudly opinionated on why whales beach themselves, “Pollution, shipping noise, military sonar, yabba-yabba-yabba… but mainly they think they are at a beach bar.”

The Wonk family, Mal, his wife Lifelis and children, Niles, Susan, Freddy and Tarantoöla spend the Christmas-to-New-Year’s holidays on the island. Mr. Wonk’s father, Mal Brooks, use to bring him along when Brooks, Alan Allduh and friends came for those holidays. And the tradition continues.

So Santa with sand between his toes, a smile on his face and a National Park citation in his pocket may visit you tonight.  Look for sand on the floor as proof.

* Watch: “The Infamous Exploding Whale” on YouTube. This reporter cried actual tears watching this – he can’t invent anything as wonderful as this actual TV footage. November 12^th 1970… Here’s a quote, “The blast blasted blubber beyond all believable bounds.” Please, please watch this. OMG, it’s good.