Peter Jordan’s Cat Obedience Class set for June 15th

By Herda Katz, Guest Nuisance Editor

Attila needs ONE more lesson

Peter Jordan has set June 15th as the date for his 12th Annual Cat Training extravaganza.

Stated goals to be accomplished for the beginning class are:

·         The cat will repeatedly retrieve a rolled and rubber-banded newspaper thrown 15 feet.

·         Cat will sit, lie down and roll over on command.

·         Cat will come when commanded, wag tail and act as if you were in fact important in his/her life.

·         Kitty will complete the 100-yard swim (at Trunk Bay.)

·         And finally, the cat will master the requisite Roomba ride.

Mr. Jordan’s wildly successful cat obedience classes always fill as soon as he announces them. When asked the secret to his success, Mr. J said, “It’s all very simple, early on you have to establish who’s boss!”

Mr. J also wants you to know he offers accreditation for your cat as a Certified Service Cat® through Cats and the Sea (CATS.)

Certified Service Cat® – It’s the law: “Disabled people with service animals must be allowed access to all public accommodations. This right takes precedence over all state and local laws which might otherwise prohibit animals in those places.”  The most difficult problem will be training to walk on a retractable leash and wear an orange “Service Cat” vest. Of course the benefits of having your cat sit in the middle seat in tourist on an American 757 flight will make all the long, harsh training worthwhile.

Frank Pestiferous, competent park ranger, said, “Without Mr. Jordan’s class, my cat, Attila, woulda spent his whole life starin’ out the window, catchin’ them stink bugs and meowing his head off for Iguana Flavored Cat Chow.”

Noted local cat authority, Jo Wan Krill, declared, “After only a few classes, our former bush cat has the manners of one of the Royal Mews of Queen Elizabeth. Though I have no doubt that she would exude total disdain for corgis.”

Beginning class registration is only $7.25 since the undertaking is underwritten by the St. John Animal Center with grants from YouTube, Hallmark Cards and island winter resident, Elsa Engel, heiress to the Winnebago fortune.

Heard in the Street

In the works: a cat park!  It's natural for a cat to want to socialize and play with other cats. Soon owners will have a chance to let their cats play off the leash – under only voice command.

Ten Internet Solutions for Iguana Over-population

By Juste Kiddin, Guest Nuisance Editor

A happy iguana smiles after eating 357 hibiscus blossoms

Some parts of the island are being overrun by the sons of Godzilla. While tourists find them creepily attractive, local gardeners are not quite so enthusiastic. Some see Iguanageddon. Search of the Web turned up many helpful sites.

Little know facts from Wikipedia: 

·         The word "iguana" is derived from a Spanish form of the original Taino name for the species "Iwana” which means lizard that everybody says tastes like chicken but doesn’t. (Taino youngsters referred to it as “Ick-wana.”)

·         Research has shown that the attention a gardener gives to a particular flower causes it to release powerful pheromones that are irresistible to iguanas.

·         Iguanas are strong swimmers. Noah found this out when he threw the couple of iguanas off the Ark.

The St. John Animal Center will provide strap-on handles for tourists who want to take one home as a pet.  www.stjohnanimalcenter.com/carryonluggage

Iguana fencing can be found at http://RevengeoftheTiano.com/turnyourhomeintoaprison

The two types of iguana repellents are contact repellents and area repellents.  Contact repellants must be applied to the iguana’s entire body, preferably with a hammer. Area repellants must be applied to your entire lot. Products guaranteed to work can be found at

www.senddollars2nigeria.com/totalsuckers

Send your iguanas to summer camp.  www.triptohell.com

100% organic, all natural, speed bumps for island roads: http://bestuses4iguanas.com

Iguana condoms: http://XXXlizards.com/scaleyjunk

Here’s an idea that is not new or original – long-lasting, thorn-proof, lizard-skin shoes. They look very up-scale (so to speak) and attention-getting (for the moment – until everybody is wearing them.) DIY (do-it-yourself) home instructions may be found on www.fiftyshadesofgreen.com. A few minor complaints:  Some people report difficulties in hollowing them out. People behind you in line at the Post Office have trouble not stepping on the tails. Some wimps complain about persistent, noxious odor especially after long hikes.

Sell your green herd on eBay. Charge $85 shipping.  www.ebay.com/crapnobodywants

High priority should be given to finding the moron that is feeding steroids to the iguanas on the western end of the island.  http://lanzearmstrongs-vet.com

Great iguana recipes: www.epi.really.curious.com/yuk

Newly-built St. John Mansion on the Market

By Penny Nail, Real Estate Editor

The morning parlor with view of Coral Harbor

The recently completed home of William Randolph Kane III is now for sale. Niles Chair is the agent and said the asking price would never be disclosed.

It has 46 rooms and one bedroom. Amenities include a home theater with a 5-story screen that seats 38 average Americans, a 6-car garage with ample room for the Bugatti SUV and the 4-wheel-drive Lamborghini that is included in the asking price and an infinity pool that gets its name from the number of water trucks required to keep it topped off.

Next to the 175,000-gallon cistern is a gorgeous, fully-stocked, mahogany-paneled, temperature-controlled wine and mojito cellar. Some of the mojitos date from the early 2000s. Of course the helipad and de-sal plant are standard for any new construction. The jumpy house built into the deck is a delightful surprise. Although the 130-foot drop over the railing may be a problem.

The house has a backup generator and a backup-backup generator and a backup-backup-backup generator with a storage bank of 192 batteries to make sure there will never be an outage except on the rare occasions when WAPA is out.

The 360° view includes a close-up view of the 130-foot wall behind the house that was required when the site was carved from Bordeaux Mountain… still it is a 360° view.  Also it’s walking distance to the beach.  Of course all houses on St. John are “walking distance to the beach” if you have the time.

Unfortunately, Mr. Kane’s wife, Rosebud, is deathly afraid of certain birds. “They fly in from everywhere and are so frighteningly demanding!  I know they are after blood!” No amount of pleading, cajoling and explaining by William Randolph could budge her from her conviction that banaquits were vicious, flying monsters. “They have those long sharp beaks and just sit and stare at me,” she said. “I want to go home to Beverly Hills!” and left the island immediately. (Evidently she didn’t mean the Beverly Hills on the south side of St. Thomas.)

The only disadvantage to the home is that it will be directly under the take-off pattern for the new St. John International Airport. Of course the planes could be required to turn off their engines during takeoff while over St. John.

Mal Flatulantz, the last of the seventeen architects that worked on the plans and construction said effusively, “It’s truly a none of a kind.”