Island Visitor Trapped in His Rental Car for 17 Days

Phast N. Phurious, Automotive Editor

Louis Zilch

Louis Zilch of Mianus, Connecticut (Really! – Google it) came very close to an unfortunate end at Salt Pond this past week. But fast action by the alert, failed-state-trooper but competent-park-ranger, Frank Pestiferous saved Mr. Zilch’s life. “I noticed that the car hadn’t moved for a couple of days, but them windows was tinted so dark, I couldn’t see Mr. Zilch,” said Pestiferous.

Zilch had rented the car from Kenobi Car Rental in Cruz Bay. “They told me I’d quickly learn the high-tech features of the car.” (A 2012 GM Daewoo Deluxe built in Uzbekistan.) “But they didn’t tell what to do in this case.”

On August 1^st after a morning toasting on Salt Pond beach, Mr. Zilch returned to his car, got in and closed the door. That’s when he found that the car battery was dead and also the battery in the keyless key!  He couldn’t start the car, open the locked doors or even roll down the windows since they were all keyed to the electronic key.

Luckily, he had 4 cases of Slim Fast Chocolate Shakes, six blocks of Kraft Pasteurized Prepared Cheddar Cheese Product and a Japanese folding hand fan that he had brought to the beach. He relaxed when he realized that it was only a matter of time before a ranger would come to give him a parking ticket. The car-rental agent had warned him that parking tickets were being slapped on everybody.

Seventeen days later, sharp-eyed Pestiferous did just that. Then using a clothes hanger he was able to open the door in minutes. “Heck, I keep a clothes hanger in my truck ‘cause people are always gettin’ themselves locked in them rental cars.”

When asked by this reporter for a comment, Kenobi Car Rental manager, Hugh O’Mewan, said, “We are not charging Mr. Zilch for the three extra days. It’s going to take a gallon of ‘New Car Smell – Extreme’ to fix that car. We’re not charging him for that either.”

Heard in the Street:

Mitt, Inc. vetted St. John politico, Randy Nutnic, for the Vice Presidential spot.  Nutnic can avoid significant issues as well as anybody, but he said that he was concentrating on getting St. John as the venue for the 2020 Summer Olympics.  “Insane Bolt declared that the Cruz Bay Roundabout would make an excellent track for the 15 meter,” said Nutnic.

Queen's Olympic Skydive

I MUST say, the Queen’s skydive into the opening of the Olympics has certainly newsily preempted the scuba dive that this reporter helped plan for the Queen’s annual visit to St. John on April 1^st 2013!  She’s supposed to be going to the Royal Mail Steam Packet Company’s Rhone’s wreck wremains of course.

My primary court contact, Mr. Bean, has assured me that she is still excited about the Rhone excursion, even though she has visited all 54 of the Commonwealth's countries, the U.S. and St. John and has performed in some astonishing sports events such as the SAOZS, South African Marathon Outrunning Zulu Spears and the Gibraltar to Morocco Afternoon Swim.

We are thinking that perhaps she should enter Caneel’s Jackie Onassis Memorial Water Skiing Competition and the Bordeaux Mountain Skeet Shoot just to compliment her time under the water.

The London skydive shows that the “real” world’s pace is somewhat advanced over anything this reporter can imagine!

Raúl Castro’s Private Yacht Anchored off Caneel

By Poin T. Enn, Yachting Editor

The 280-foot motor yacht, “Royal Scion,” was spotted in the channel near Caneel Bay Resort.

This superyacht was built by Camper and Nicholson at their Portsmouth, England yard in 1951. It was a very modern design for its time and was originally named “Fiona Mae.” It was presented to Fidel Castro after it had been confiscated while at anchor in Havana by the Communist Party of Cuba in the summer of 1966. It has been retrofitted many times with extreme luxury. The last update included three hot tubs, a tennis court, a modern library with over 150,000 e-books and a 1,200-square-foot galley designed by Emeril.

Asked about the name change, Raúl said that Fidel didn’t think it proper to keep the name of the capitalist’s wife on his private yacht. Also he wanted a more fitting, aristocratic name. “You think the First Secretary of the Communist Party of Cuba should have to put up with a peasant fishing boat named ‘Maria’? No way, José” said Raúl.

After a couple of years Fidel grew tired of it and gave it to Raúl. With a staff of over 280, it has a minion for every foot.

An island dinner party is set for August 1^st. It will be hosted by Niles and Susan Chair, long-time Castro family supporters, with special guest, Elsa Engel, heiress to the Winnebago fortune. Mrs. Chair said, “The last time ‘Raul,’ we call him ‘Raul’ at our house, was here he kept saying he wanted to shoot whales that were just outside Hart Bay. He brought one of those Kalashnikov BB guns with a scope. Niles and I did what we could to divert his attention. We knew he’d be on to something else soon. He’s such a dear.”

According to Mrs. Chair, recent visitors to the yacht included Warren, Sunday and Jimmy Buffet. “Hughie Chavez kept circling in a dingy, but Raul wouldn’t let him aboard. Chris Christie was there in his famous Speedo – he always makes such a splash. And George W. Bush who did a lot behind the scenes to keep the Castros in power,” said Mrs. Chair. “Poor ’Dubya,’ we call him ‘Dubya’ at our house, was seasick the whole time.”

Brews Festival Slated for July

By Sowa Note, Entertainment Editor

Ron Krill announced plans for the 3^rd Annual Coral Bay Brews Festival. This year “alternative” steel pan music will be the theme. Featured will be bagpipes and harmonicas with steel pans. “I think this will showcase the direction I’d like steel pan music to take. Bagpipes and harmonicas just don’t get the respect they should when played with steel pans.”

Mr. Krill continued, “Brews have been a major part of music since pre-history. In a cave near New Orleans they found the remnants of a 3-string guitar and a pottery shard that analysis showed had held a brew.” And he added that they have been a major part of St. John’s history and continue to be central to its future. He wants to celebrate that fact with the Brews Festival.  This replaced Steve Shaman’s Booze Festival that became totally besotted.

Funding will again be provided by prominent island business couple Niles and Susan Chair. “Brews have been the chief focus of our lives,” said the Chairs.  The local Kebin & Chong Brewery will be the sole suds supplier.

Star performers will be Pans, Goat bladders and Reeds from the Isle of Right with their hit “Brews before Sunrise,” The Misbegotten and Forgotten from jazz hot spot Littltit, Thailand and The Pan Perpetrators from Upper Kaput, Nevis featuring Adele.

The venue has not been set since the regular site will be disrupted by the construction of the eastern-most terminal of the Bullet Train. If you have a large backyard (attendance was 3,305 last year) and have ear plugs, you might want to consider hosting the popular festival. Krill says he will throw in two free tickets.

July 4^th was selected since there is nothing much going on the island at that time and the weather is so reliably cool. “Unfortunately, Niles and Susan plan to be on a Costa cruise to Somalia celebrating the 100^th anniversary of the sinking of the Titanic and will miss the whole festival,” said Krill.

Plans are already under way for next year’s “Summer Brews: Carillons and Kazoos” that will feature The Dothan Alabama Marching Comb & Paper Ensemble and The Bells of St. Mary’s.

National Park Grants Concession for Trump Parking Tower

Compact Maserati being parked on 10th deck

By Feinda Spot, Parking Editor

If you have driven out to the North Shore beaches, you had to notice that more parking is sorely needed at Cinnamon Bay. Additionally, with Governor de Jongh’s support, Havensight will have West Indian Company’s huge new car rental with free car ferry passes ready for the cruise ship passengers by the beginning of hurricane season. This will be a major crisis for Park visitors or as government calls it, “an issue.”

The Donald to the rescue! Through his legal office of Tiff & Squabble, Donald Trump has announced plans for a high-rise parking garage. The Virgin Islands National Park immediately approved the concession for The Trump Organization.

It is to be built on the site of the present Cinnamon Bay parking lot. Park ranger, Frank Pestiferous, said, “The parking at Cinnamon is totally impossible. Tourists take all the best places.” Susan Chair said the project was too large a challenge for local contractors.

In a call to his office, Mr. Trump was asked how he proposed getting the high-rise building approved. He said, “A total of 14 levels – 2 underground – 12 above. “My architects will call it three stories. I’m advised that other developments on the island have used this strategy very successfully. We wanted it to be high enough that you could see the strings of lights from St. Thomas, but not so high as to interfere with the flight patterns for the new St. John airport.”

When asked about the design he said, “I plan the design to be a cross between Trump Taj Mahal in Atlantic City and a Virgin Islands carnival. My thoughts are that we can form the concrete to look like painted plywood on the exterior and interior. Each floor will have its own theme. We’ll string up lights and pennants and have bouncy houses on every level.”

Asked about the parking fees he replied, “If those yahoos at Wormwood can charge $20 for parking at Caneel, I certainly can get $50 for parking in a gorgeous facility emblazoned with the Trump brand.  It will be such an experience; some will stay in my garage and never go to the beach.”

Mr. Trump said that he didn’t intend to visit the construction site. “When I came down, my fabulous, expensively-coiffed, all-natural hair met the trade winds... it is not to be repeated!”

Trader Joe’s and Starbucks Arrive on the Island

By Buelch Loudleigh, Food and Wine Editor

Shopper ready to fill cart

The Boston-based law firm of Bickers & Bickers, has announced the April 25^th signing of contracts with two major companies to open businesses on St. John, U.S. Virgin Islands. Trader Joe’s, a Monrovia, California privately held company and Starbucks Corporation, a NASDAQ traded company based in Seattle, Washington have agreed to start operations within the fiscal year 2012.

Trader Joe’s founder, Joe Coulombe, is said to have developed the idea of the Trader Joe South Seas motif while on vacation on St. John in 1973. Work has already started on a 50,000 square-foot building in the back parking lot of The Marketplace. “We know that St. John has the sophistication and taste for up-scale food and wine at bargain prices.” The official announcement stated, “Products to be sold include gourmet foods, organic foods, vegetarian food, unusual frozen foods, imported foods, domestic and imported wine and beer, ‘alternative’ food items, and staples like bread, cereal, eggs, dairy, coffee and produce. Non-food items include personal hygiene products, household cleaners, vitamins, pet food, plants, and flowers.”

A relief for Virgin Islanders is that pricing will be the same as the state-side stores. “We expect a large number of consumers from St. Thomas to come to shop on St. John.”

Starbucks plans to fill the spot now occupied by Bougainvillea in Mongoose Junction. Starbucks is the largest coffeehouse company in the world, with more than 17,000 stores in 55 countries, including over 12,500 in the United States, over 1,200 in Canada and over 700 in the United Kingdom, 54 in Russia and now St. John, Virgin Islands.

Kiosks for the new St. John International Airport and Bullet Train terminals have been staked out on the not-yet-published plans.

Dietin Soone spokeswoman for Bickers & Bickers, said that with proper support these initiatives will be ready to meet the needs of St. Johnians by year’s end. “St. John will never be the same,” she said.

Whole Foods must be just over the horizon.

Queen Elizabeth II Plans Diamond Jubilee Visit to St. John

By B. B. Brain, Society Editor

Her Majesty, HerSelf

During an official Diamond Jubilee visit to The British Virgin Islands, Queen Elizabeth is planning an unofficial visit to St. John. The demands of the four-month-long grand tour of the 16 countries that once made up the British Empire will leave the queen in search of a place to escape, revive and relax. The Diamond Jubilee Celebrations Committee announced that since she will be so close, the Queen and her retinue will sweep over to St. John after the massive Tortola parade on Sunday, April 1^st.

Queen spokesman, Fred Mercury, said that while most energetic celebrations would raise the dead, Her Majesty just wanted a place to be quiet. In search of something between a plywood-galvanized shack and a faux Santa Barbara mansion, Mr. Mercury found Seashore, the lovely home of Niles and Susan Chair. The Chairs have always been extremely generous in opening their home to charity events and visiting VIPs. Mrs. Chair said she would be delighted for the Queen to kick off her low heels and drop her purse and wide-brimmed hat for several days. “I know we can make her comfortable. I was just born knowing how to deal with royalty. And I love pastels,” said Mrs. Chair. “We hope her troubles will be miles away while visiting.”

On Monday evening a casual, sit-down dinner for 80 will be hosted by Elsa Engel, island resident and direct descendant of Ludwig II of Bavaria. The setting will be Mrs. Engel’s modest home that is based on the design of Neuschwanstein Castle and will be catered by Rich Lyminn. Mr. Lyminn, a descendant of nobility himself, has produced an 89-page manual on how to be casual. A running commentary on the event will be broadcast by St. Thomas radio fossils, Lee Coral and Eddie Oddly.

From here the Queen will rejoin the worldwide celebrations of the Diamond Jubilee that will continue through spring and early summer, culminating in a lavish ceremony in London on the anniversary of the June 1953 coronation.