Phast N. Phurious,
Automotive Editor
 |
| Louis Zilch |
Louis Zilch of Mianus, Connecticut (Really! – Google it) came
very close to an unfortunate end at Salt Pond this past week. But fast action
by the alert, failed-state-trooper but competent-park-ranger, Frank Pestiferous
saved Mr. Zilch’s life. “I noticed that the car hadn’t moved for a couple of
days, but them windows was tinted so dark, I couldn’t see Mr. Zilch,” said
Pestiferous.
Zilch had rented the car from Kenobi Car Rental in Cruz
Bay. “They told me I’d quickly learn the high-tech features of the car.” (A 2012
GM Daewoo Deluxe built in Uzbekistan.) “But they didn’t tell what to do in this
case.”
On August 1st after a morning toasting on Salt
Pond beach, Mr. Zilch returned to his car, got in and closed the door. That’s
when he found that the car battery was dead and also the battery in the keyless
key! He couldn’t start the car, open the
locked doors or even roll down the windows since they were all keyed to the
electronic key.
Luckily, he had 4 cases of Slim Fast Chocolate Shakes,
six blocks of Kraft Pasteurized Prepared Cheddar Cheese Product and a Japanese
folding hand fan that he had brought to the beach. He relaxed when he realized that
it was only a matter of time before a ranger would come to give him a parking ticket.
The car-rental agent had warned him that parking tickets were being slapped on everybody.
Seventeen days later, sharp-eyed Pestiferous did just
that. Then using a clothes hanger he was able to open the door in minutes.
“Heck, I keep a clothes hanger in my truck ‘cause people are always gettin’
themselves locked in them rental cars.”
When asked by this reporter for a comment, Kenobi Car
Rental manager, Hugh O’Mewan, said, “We are not charging Mr. Zilch for the
three extra days. It’s going to take a gallon of ‘New Car Smell – Extreme’ to fix that car. We’re not charging him
for that either.”
Heard in the
Street:
Mitt, Inc. vetted St. John politico, Randy Nutnic, for the
Vice Presidential spot. Nutnic can avoid significant issues as well as anybody, but he said that he was concentrating on
getting St. John as the venue for the 2020 Summer Olympics. “Insane Bolt declared that the Cruz Bay
Roundabout would make an excellent track for the 15 meter,” said Nutnic.
