By Will Ferrol, Holiday
Editor
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| Absolute proof that you can find anything with Google image search!!! |
Today a skinny-dipping Santa was seen sunning himself on
Solomon Beach. This was a final break before the long, economy-tourist-level flight
tonight.
An excited and energized Wonk family was heroically trying
to push him back into the water, without having much success. “We just wanted
the poor creature back in the water. We remember watching the news on TV of
them blowing one up on the beach in Oregon!”* said Mrs. Wonk. Mr. and Mrs. Wonk
and their four kids were on the land side pushing with all their might trying
to roll the dough-white, inert blubber-body towards the sea.
The jolly old man chortled at the humor of the situation
with the Wonks. This episode was therapeutic. He needed a break after the year
of dealing with Apple toy designers, Chinese sweatshops and the EEW union, (European
Elf Workers.) But Park Ranger Frank Pestiferous
would have none of it. “We ain’t toleratin’ none of that-there peculiar
behavior here. No Sir, Mr. Claus! This
ain’t one of them Frenchy islands… And don’t pick up any of them
seashells neither. And I hope there ain’t none in any of yo' creases and
crevasses.” Pestiferous is what some might call a “Piece a Work.”
Capt. Skinny Badlands, noted cetaceanologist and
certified expert on any matter you can name, stood on the beach and loudly opinionated
on why whales beach themselves, “Pollution, shipping noise, military sonar, yabba-yabba-yabba…
but mainly they think they are at a beach bar.”
The Wonk family, Mal, his wife Lifelis and children, Niles,
Susan, Freddy and Tarantoöla spend the Christmas-to-New-Year’s holidays on the
island. Mr. Wonk’s father, Mal Brooks, use to bring him along when Brooks, Alan
Allduh and friends came for those holidays. And the tradition continues.
So Santa with sand between his toes, a smile on his face
and a National Park citation in his pocket may visit you tonight. Look for sand on the floor as proof.
* Watch: “The Infamous Exploding Whale” on YouTube.
This reporter cried actual tears watching this – he can’t invent anything as
wonderful as this actual TV footage. November 12th 1970… Here’s a
quote, “The blast blasted blubber beyond all believable bounds.” Please, please
watch this. OMG, it’s good.
