Gifffft Hill School Student Grows Record Scotch Bonnet

By Iggy Wana, Gardening Editor

Twelfth-grader, Herbert Farmer, has brought in a 103.2-pound Scotch bonnet.  This was a record for a still green, Caribbean-variety of a hot chili pepper.

Under the guidance of the plant whisperer Doctor Dade, Sister Sara and interns from Cornville Community College with their EARTH (Eat A Radish That’s Hot) program, Herb was happy to grow a gigantic, practically inedible pepper.

He potted seeds that he got from Josephine Holy in a soilless mix and then fought off the pearly-eyed thrashers, katydids, leaf miners, white flies, powdery mildew, soft scale, hard scale, hard disk viruses, software bugs, computer worms, pigs, donkeys, iguanas, deer, goats and park rangers to name just a few pests.

The single pepper grew over a period of two years to reach the Super-Duper-Whopper size.  This is the size category designated by the Goodness-Gracious Book of World Records.

Because of its unusually large size and long growing time, it is estimated that this Scotch bonnet will read 100,000,000 to 350,000,000 on the Scoville scale.  For comparison, most jalapeño peppers have a heat rating of 2,500 to 8,000 Scoville units.  This pepper would leave a ring of fire on every table it graced.

Niles Chair, “Chair”man of the Gifffft Hill School Bored, said that as part of the EARTH program students prepared hors d'oeuvres using a smaller, quarter-pounder Scotch bonnet.  “When they cut the pepper, there was a mushroom-shaped cloud and sinuses were cleared at Skinny’s, 6.2 Tuff miles upwind.”

As part of the GffffHS Seed2Table project, Herb coolly sold the hot pepper to Ronald Klunkerberg who owns Klunkerberg Pizza in Cruz Bay.  “Nothing is inedible,” said Klunkerberg.  He is a widely-recognized expert in these matters.

Herb Farmer has now graduated, but the money he raised goes to the Gifffft Hill School to buy seeds to cover the island with hot peppers… and probably Christmas holly and catch ‘n’ keep.

Heard in the Street

Isn’t it always the way… wealthy Winnebago heiress Elsa Engle won the 155-million-dollar Virgin Lottery.

The Office of Virgin Lottery emphatically denies that they cannot find the $155,000,000.

Emu Sighted During Audubon Spring Bird Count

By Byrd Brane, guest Wildlife Editor

Xanax Hayes, chairman of the St. John Audubon Spring Bird Count said, “It’s not believable. It obviously took a wrong turn somewhere.”

The Australian Brown Emu sighting was corroborated by all six members of the Kerfuffle family who startled the bird resting on the warm hood of a rental Jeep at Salt Pond. Although Emus have been seen on other islands – especially at night after bar-closing, this is a first for St. John. While three penguins were sited last spring at a wedding at Caneel Bay, 97 pelicans and 142 chickens were more representative of the local counts.

According to birder Susan Chair, each year tens of thousands of volunteers throughout the Americas take part in an adventure that has become a family tradition among generations. Families, students, birders and scientists armed with binoculars, bird guides, smartphone apps and checklists go out on a semi-annual mission - often before dawn. By far the most famous is the Christmas Bird Count, but the Spring Bird Count is gaining in popularity.

Other rare sightings this spring on St. John included an Ivory-billed Woodpecker and two Blue Titmice. The Ivory-bill was sitting on a nest on Waterlemon Cay. Park interpreter Baye Laurel said, “Normally, they nest in holes in trees. The Cornell Lab of Ornithology has offered a reward of $50,000 to the person who can lead a project biologist to a living Ivory-billed Woodpecker. So we are all going to search.” 

Laurel observed, “The Blue Tits were a surprise. They are island residents all winter, but by April 1st they are usually replaced by Roseate Tits.” These two were spotted at Solomon Beach. Because other scantily-clad creatures are coming out into the sun, camouflage and binoculars are very useful. Without such equipment, those Blue Tits might never have been sighted.

Xanax Hayes notes that the access boardwalk built at Francis Bay by Fiends of the Park volunteers gives another easy place for the bird-count volunteers to stand and count for something. “Now if they’ll just cut down all that brush, and maybe put in a nice paved apron bordering the pond it would be perfect. Oh… and they should probably get a dredge in there. It looks like it is silting up big time.”

Peter Jordan’s Cat Obedience Class set for June 15th

By Herda Katz, Guest Nuisance Editor

Attila needs ONE more lesson

Peter Jordan has set June 15th as the date for his 12th Annual Cat Training extravaganza.

Stated goals to be accomplished for the beginning class are:

·         The cat will repeatedly retrieve a rolled and rubber-banded newspaper thrown 15 feet.

·         Cat will sit, lie down and roll over on command.

·         Cat will come when commanded, wag tail and act as if you were in fact important in his/her life.

·         Kitty will complete the 100-yard swim (at Trunk Bay.)

·         And finally, the cat will master the requisite Roomba ride.

Mr. Jordan’s wildly successful cat obedience classes always fill as soon as he announces them. When asked the secret to his success, Mr. J said, “It’s all very simple, early on you have to establish who’s boss!”

Mr. J also wants you to know he offers accreditation for your cat as a Certified Service Cat® through Cats and the Sea (CATS.)

Certified Service Cat® – It’s the law: “Disabled people with service animals must be allowed access to all public accommodations. This right takes precedence over all state and local laws which might otherwise prohibit animals in those places.”  The most difficult problem will be training to walk on a retractable leash and wear an orange “Service Cat” vest. Of course the benefits of having your cat sit in the middle seat in tourist on an American 757 flight will make all the long, harsh training worthwhile.

Frank Pestiferous, competent park ranger, said, “Without Mr. Jordan’s class, my cat, Attila, woulda spent his whole life starin’ out the window, catchin’ them stink bugs and meowing his head off for Iguana Flavored Cat Chow.”

Noted local cat authority, Jo Wan Krill, declared, “After only a few classes, our former bush cat has the manners of one of the Royal Mews of Queen Elizabeth. Though I have no doubt that she would exude total disdain for corgis.”

Beginning class registration is only $7.25 since the undertaking is underwritten by the St. John Animal Center with grants from YouTube, Hallmark Cards and island winter resident, Elsa Engel, heiress to the Winnebago fortune.

Heard in the Street

In the works: a cat park!  It's natural for a cat to want to socialize and play with other cats. Soon owners will have a chance to let their cats play off the leash – under only voice command.