Island Greed Builders Awarded Large Grant for Solar

By Lackin Dayta, Technology Editor

Reef Bay array

Virtually all south-facing slopes on the island will be covered with state-of-the-art photovoltaic panels.

Island Greed Builders (not to be confused with a somewhat similarly named organization) has obtained $16 billion through grants from Obama’s Money for Nothing Initiative, The Trust for Pubic Land, and WAPA’s Excess Money Fund.

The initial grant of $297 million was depleted within two months by developing feasibility studies, setting up a Facebook profile and a Twitter account.

The panels will come from Solyndra, the Fremont, California solar panel producer. They were obtained at a huge discount because of a 97%-failure rate. “This completely fits our business model,” said Niles Chair, local businessman. Mr. Chair and 6 friends have set up a subcontracting firm, Death Panels, Inc.

St. Thomas consultant, Tully Pleasure, of Island Possibilities, LLC, recommended the installation of automatic awnings of Sumbrella that will deploy in the middle of the day to protect the panels from the intense tropical sun.

Renowned architect and all-around expert, Bill Builtinthegarage, said, “The greatest innovation is the solar compactor. You may have seen the original prototype on the dock in Cruz Bay. They will compact the solar power to facilitate the transfer of power to St. Thomas. Actually, the compacted power packages could be shipped anywhere with U.S. Post Office Priority Mail. Another advantage of the solar compactor is that it can be used to dispose of other solar compactors that break down from heat exhaustion!”

“We would be off the St. Thomas grid, but would be able to sell power to them during the off season when neither we nor they really need it,” said Green Spear, respected island builder and day dream believer.

Chuck Fishmo of the St. John Hysterical Society said, “There is a precedent. Sugar cane once covered most of the island and the cane captured sunlight much like the solar panels will. So, IGB has our complete support.”

Heard in the Street:

The roofs of the proposed Bullet Train stations will be covered with panels. Both the Coral Bay and Cruz Bay stations will be modeled after New York’s Grand Central and therefore will have ample space for solar panel installation.

We're not going to let our column be dictated by fact-checkers.

Island Visitor Trapped in His Rental Car for 17 Days

Phast N. Phurious, Automotive Editor

Louis Zilch

Louis Zilch of Mianus, Connecticut (Really! – Google it) came very close to an unfortunate end at Salt Pond this past week. But fast action by the alert, failed-state-trooper but competent-park-ranger, Frank Pestiferous saved Mr. Zilch’s life. “I noticed that the car hadn’t moved for a couple of days, but them windows was tinted so dark, I couldn’t see Mr. Zilch,” said Pestiferous.

Zilch had rented the car from Kenobi Car Rental in Cruz Bay. “They told me I’d quickly learn the high-tech features of the car.” (A 2012 GM Daewoo Deluxe built in Uzbekistan.) “But they didn’t tell what to do in this case.”

On August 1^st after a morning toasting on Salt Pond beach, Mr. Zilch returned to his car, got in and closed the door. That’s when he found that the car battery was dead and also the battery in the keyless key!  He couldn’t start the car, open the locked doors or even roll down the windows since they were all keyed to the electronic key.

Luckily, he had 4 cases of Slim Fast Chocolate Shakes, six blocks of Kraft Pasteurized Prepared Cheddar Cheese Product and a Japanese folding hand fan that he had brought to the beach. He relaxed when he realized that it was only a matter of time before a ranger would come to give him a parking ticket. The car-rental agent had warned him that parking tickets were being slapped on everybody.

Seventeen days later, sharp-eyed Pestiferous did just that. Then using a clothes hanger he was able to open the door in minutes. “Heck, I keep a clothes hanger in my truck ‘cause people are always gettin’ themselves locked in them rental cars.”

When asked by this reporter for a comment, Kenobi Car Rental manager, Hugh O’Mewan, said, “We are not charging Mr. Zilch for the three extra days. It’s going to take a gallon of ‘New Car Smell – Extreme’ to fix that car. We’re not charging him for that either.”

Heard in the Street:

Mitt, Inc. vetted St. John politico, Randy Nutnic, for the Vice Presidential spot.  Nutnic can avoid significant issues as well as anybody, but he said that he was concentrating on getting St. John as the venue for the 2020 Summer Olympics.  “Insane Bolt declared that the Cruz Bay Roundabout would make an excellent track for the 15 meter,” said Nutnic.

Queen's Olympic Skydive

I MUST say, the Queen’s skydive into the opening of the Olympics has certainly newsily preempted the scuba dive that this reporter helped plan for the Queen’s annual visit to St. John on April 1^st 2013!  She’s supposed to be going to the Royal Mail Steam Packet Company’s Rhone’s wreck wremains of course.

My primary court contact, Mr. Bean, has assured me that she is still excited about the Rhone excursion, even though she has visited all 54 of the Commonwealth's countries, the U.S. and St. John and has performed in some astonishing sports events such as the SAOZS, South African Marathon Outrunning Zulu Spears and the Gibraltar to Morocco Afternoon Swim.

We are thinking that perhaps she should enter Caneel’s Jackie Onassis Memorial Water Skiing Competition and the Bordeaux Mountain Skeet Shoot just to compliment her time under the water.

The London skydive shows that the “real” world’s pace is somewhat advanced over anything this reporter can imagine!

Raúl Castro’s Private Yacht Anchored off Caneel

By Poin T. Enn, Yachting Editor

The 280-foot motor yacht, “Royal Scion,” was spotted in the channel near Caneel Bay Resort.

This superyacht was built by Camper and Nicholson at their Portsmouth, England yard in 1951. It was a very modern design for its time and was originally named “Fiona Mae.” It was presented to Fidel Castro after it had been confiscated while at anchor in Havana by the Communist Party of Cuba in the summer of 1966. It has been retrofitted many times with extreme luxury. The last update included three hot tubs, a tennis court, a modern library with over 150,000 e-books and a 1,200-square-foot galley designed by Emeril.

Asked about the name change, Raúl said that Fidel didn’t think it proper to keep the name of the capitalist’s wife on his private yacht. Also he wanted a more fitting, aristocratic name. “You think the First Secretary of the Communist Party of Cuba should have to put up with a peasant fishing boat named ‘Maria’? No way, José” said Raúl.

After a couple of years Fidel grew tired of it and gave it to Raúl. With a staff of over 280, it has a minion for every foot.

An island dinner party is set for August 1^st. It will be hosted by Niles and Susan Chair, long-time Castro family supporters, with special guest, Elsa Engel, heiress to the Winnebago fortune. Mrs. Chair said, “The last time ‘Raul,’ we call him ‘Raul’ at our house, was here he kept saying he wanted to shoot whales that were just outside Hart Bay. He brought one of those Kalashnikov BB guns with a scope. Niles and I did what we could to divert his attention. We knew he’d be on to something else soon. He’s such a dear.”

According to Mrs. Chair, recent visitors to the yacht included Warren, Sunday and Jimmy Buffet. “Hughie Chavez kept circling in a dingy, but Raul wouldn’t let him aboard. Chris Christie was there in his famous Speedo – he always makes such a splash. And George W. Bush who did a lot behind the scenes to keep the Castros in power,” said Mrs. Chair. “Poor ’Dubya,’ we call him ‘Dubya’ at our house, was seasick the whole time.”

Brews Festival Slated for July

By Sowa Note, Entertainment Editor

Ron Krill announced plans for the 3^rd Annual Coral Bay Brews Festival. This year “alternative” steel pan music will be the theme. Featured will be bagpipes and harmonicas with steel pans. “I think this will showcase the direction I’d like steel pan music to take. Bagpipes and harmonicas just don’t get the respect they should when played with steel pans.”

Mr. Krill continued, “Brews have been a major part of music since pre-history. In a cave near New Orleans they found the remnants of a 3-string guitar and a pottery shard that analysis showed had held a brew.” And he added that they have been a major part of St. John’s history and continue to be central to its future. He wants to celebrate that fact with the Brews Festival.  This replaced Steve Shaman’s Booze Festival that became totally besotted.

Funding will again be provided by prominent island business couple Niles and Susan Chair. “Brews have been the chief focus of our lives,” said the Chairs.  The local Kebin & Chong Brewery will be the sole suds supplier.

Star performers will be Pans, Goat bladders and Reeds from the Isle of Right with their hit “Brews before Sunrise,” The Misbegotten and Forgotten from jazz hot spot Littltit, Thailand and The Pan Perpetrators from Upper Kaput, Nevis featuring Adele.

The venue has not been set since the regular site will be disrupted by the construction of the eastern-most terminal of the Bullet Train. If you have a large backyard (attendance was 3,305 last year) and have ear plugs, you might want to consider hosting the popular festival. Krill says he will throw in two free tickets.

July 4^th was selected since there is nothing much going on the island at that time and the weather is so reliably cool. “Unfortunately, Niles and Susan plan to be on a Costa cruise to Somalia celebrating the 100^th anniversary of the sinking of the Titanic and will miss the whole festival,” said Krill.

Plans are already under way for next year’s “Summer Brews: Carillons and Kazoos” that will feature The Dothan Alabama Marching Comb & Paper Ensemble and The Bells of St. Mary’s.