Local, Morgan Geak, Creates iPhone App for St. John Ferries

By Lakin Dayta, Technology Editor

Ever wonder when the absolute last second was that you could leave your house to catch the St. John passenger or car ferry?  Or get there so early you feel like you are waiting for the next transit of Venus? Wonder what the odds were of coming out ahead buying a round-trip ticket?  Or the odds that guy in the car to your right will try to cut you off at the exit ramp? While most iPhone apps are about as useful as flip flops for cushion starfish, this one is genius.

Local digital master, Morgan Barley Geak, has just the thing for you. Right next to your latest Angry Birds - Islands, you can put his new iPhone app “Win-Time Ferry.”

In the setup, you must enter your age, weight, length of inseam and best high-school time on the 100-yard dash. Also you rate each captain by how well he knows you, etc., etc. for about 600 items. Setup should take less than two weeks. Be sure you get your driver’s license correct and enter your opinion on peach yogurt or you will have to start over.

Sophisticated algorithms calculate the most likely time each vessel leaves from early to way late so you can squeeze the last second. WTFerry knows the weather so it can figure in that last minute downpour too. GPS keeps up with you and Siri shouts encouragement or directions. The default GO! signal is a starter’s pistol, so don’t use it in the TSA line at the airport or in local banks.

Navigation is easy with four tabs: “Passenger Ferry,” “Car Ferry,” “Lunch Reservations at Virgilios” and “St. Thomas Shopping.”

The shopping tab is also paired with Siri. You’ll hear things like, “You can hammer nails with the bananas at Fruit Bowl today,” and “Home Depot still doesn’t have that saw you wanted no matter what they told you on the phone.”

There have been a few complaints like, “I can’t find the iPhone Home button.” But largely the beta was well received.  Evaluator, Rafe Boudin, says that it really needs an undo button.  “I could use an undo button for other things too… like my dad selling Trunk.” Morgan said he would work on it.

There is a mailbox key and a bottle opener.

Beta tester, Susan Chair, says, “The next time you arrive just as the ferry is pulling away, you will think WTF!”

Island Greed Builders Awarded Large Grant for Solar

By Lackin Dayta, Technology Editor

Reef Bay array

Virtually all south-facing slopes on the island will be covered with state-of-the-art photovoltaic panels.

Island Greed Builders (not to be confused with a somewhat similarly named organization) has obtained $16 billion through grants from Obama’s Money for Nothing Initiative, The Trust for Pubic Land, and WAPA’s Excess Money Fund.

The initial grant of $297 million was depleted within two months by developing feasibility studies, setting up a Facebook profile and a Twitter account.

The panels will come from Solyndra, the Fremont, California solar panel producer. They were obtained at a huge discount because of a 97%-failure rate. “This completely fits our business model,” said Niles Chair, local businessman. Mr. Chair and 6 friends have set up a subcontracting firm, Death Panels, Inc.

St. Thomas consultant, Tully Pleasure, of Island Possibilities, LLC, recommended the installation of automatic awnings of Sumbrella that will deploy in the middle of the day to protect the panels from the intense tropical sun.

Renowned architect and all-around expert, Bill Builtinthegarage, said, “The greatest innovation is the solar compactor. You may have seen the original prototype on the dock in Cruz Bay. They will compact the solar power to facilitate the transfer of power to St. Thomas. Actually, the compacted power packages could be shipped anywhere with U.S. Post Office Priority Mail. Another advantage of the solar compactor is that it can be used to dispose of other solar compactors that break down from heat exhaustion!”

“We would be off the St. Thomas grid, but would be able to sell power to them during the off season when neither we nor they really need it,” said Green Spear, respected island builder and day dream believer.

Chuck Fishmo of the St. John Hysterical Society said, “There is a precedent. Sugar cane once covered most of the island and the cane captured sunlight much like the solar panels will. So, IGB has our complete support.”

Heard in the Street:

The roofs of the proposed Bullet Train stations will be covered with panels. Both the Coral Bay and Cruz Bay stations will be modeled after New York’s Grand Central and therefore will have ample space for solar panel installation.

We're not going to let our column be dictated by fact-checkers.

Island Visitor Trapped in His Rental Car for 17 Days

Phast N. Phurious, Automotive Editor

Louis Zilch

Louis Zilch of Mianus, Connecticut (Really! – Google it) came very close to an unfortunate end at Salt Pond this past week. But fast action by the alert, failed-state-trooper but competent-park-ranger, Frank Pestiferous saved Mr. Zilch’s life. “I noticed that the car hadn’t moved for a couple of days, but them windows was tinted so dark, I couldn’t see Mr. Zilch,” said Pestiferous.

Zilch had rented the car from Kenobi Car Rental in Cruz Bay. “They told me I’d quickly learn the high-tech features of the car.” (A 2012 GM Daewoo Deluxe built in Uzbekistan.) “But they didn’t tell what to do in this case.”

On August 1^st after a morning toasting on Salt Pond beach, Mr. Zilch returned to his car, got in and closed the door. That’s when he found that the car battery was dead and also the battery in the keyless key!  He couldn’t start the car, open the locked doors or even roll down the windows since they were all keyed to the electronic key.

Luckily, he had 4 cases of Slim Fast Chocolate Shakes, six blocks of Kraft Pasteurized Prepared Cheddar Cheese Product and a Japanese folding hand fan that he had brought to the beach. He relaxed when he realized that it was only a matter of time before a ranger would come to give him a parking ticket. The car-rental agent had warned him that parking tickets were being slapped on everybody.

Seventeen days later, sharp-eyed Pestiferous did just that. Then using a clothes hanger he was able to open the door in minutes. “Heck, I keep a clothes hanger in my truck ‘cause people are always gettin’ themselves locked in them rental cars.”

When asked by this reporter for a comment, Kenobi Car Rental manager, Hugh O’Mewan, said, “We are not charging Mr. Zilch for the three extra days. It’s going to take a gallon of ‘New Car Smell – Extreme’ to fix that car. We’re not charging him for that either.”

Heard in the Street:

Mitt, Inc. vetted St. John politico, Randy Nutnic, for the Vice Presidential spot.  Nutnic can avoid significant issues as well as anybody, but he said that he was concentrating on getting St. John as the venue for the 2020 Summer Olympics.  “Insane Bolt declared that the Cruz Bay Roundabout would make an excellent track for the 15 meter,” said Nutnic.

Queen's Olympic Skydive

I MUST say, the Queen’s skydive into the opening of the Olympics has certainly newsily preempted the scuba dive that this reporter helped plan for the Queen’s annual visit to St. John on April 1^st 2013!  She’s supposed to be going to the Royal Mail Steam Packet Company’s Rhone’s wreck wremains of course.

My primary court contact, Mr. Bean, has assured me that she is still excited about the Rhone excursion, even though she has visited all 54 of the Commonwealth's countries, the U.S. and St. John and has performed in some astonishing sports events such as the SAOZS, South African Marathon Outrunning Zulu Spears and the Gibraltar to Morocco Afternoon Swim.

We are thinking that perhaps she should enter Caneel’s Jackie Onassis Memorial Water Skiing Competition and the Bordeaux Mountain Skeet Shoot just to compliment her time under the water.

The London skydive shows that the “real” world’s pace is somewhat advanced over anything this reporter can imagine!

Raúl Castro’s Private Yacht Anchored off Caneel

By Poin T. Enn, Yachting Editor

The 280-foot motor yacht, “Royal Scion,” was spotted in the channel near Caneel Bay Resort.

This superyacht was built by Camper and Nicholson at their Portsmouth, England yard in 1951. It was a very modern design for its time and was originally named “Fiona Mae.” It was presented to Fidel Castro after it had been confiscated while at anchor in Havana by the Communist Party of Cuba in the summer of 1966. It has been retrofitted many times with extreme luxury. The last update included three hot tubs, a tennis court, a modern library with over 150,000 e-books and a 1,200-square-foot galley designed by Emeril.

Asked about the name change, Raúl said that Fidel didn’t think it proper to keep the name of the capitalist’s wife on his private yacht. Also he wanted a more fitting, aristocratic name. “You think the First Secretary of the Communist Party of Cuba should have to put up with a peasant fishing boat named ‘Maria’? No way, José” said Raúl.

After a couple of years Fidel grew tired of it and gave it to Raúl. With a staff of over 280, it has a minion for every foot.

An island dinner party is set for August 1^st. It will be hosted by Niles and Susan Chair, long-time Castro family supporters, with special guest, Elsa Engel, heiress to the Winnebago fortune. Mrs. Chair said, “The last time ‘Raul,’ we call him ‘Raul’ at our house, was here he kept saying he wanted to shoot whales that were just outside Hart Bay. He brought one of those Kalashnikov BB guns with a scope. Niles and I did what we could to divert his attention. We knew he’d be on to something else soon. He’s such a dear.”

According to Mrs. Chair, recent visitors to the yacht included Warren, Sunday and Jimmy Buffet. “Hughie Chavez kept circling in a dingy, but Raul wouldn’t let him aboard. Chris Christie was there in his famous Speedo – he always makes such a splash. And George W. Bush who did a lot behind the scenes to keep the Castros in power,” said Mrs. Chair. “Poor ’Dubya,’ we call him ‘Dubya’ at our house, was seasick the whole time.”